Mam lost the rag when I text her to say I wouldn’t be able to make it home for Christmas. I was staying in Toronto to have Christmas dinner with my new girlfriend’s family – a girl Mam never even knew existed! ‘Who is she? Who are her parents?’ she demanded to know. ‘Trust me, Mam, you wouldn’t know them,’ I assured her but that didn’t help. Sure, wouldn’t you know it but then I had Dad soon hollering down the blower letting me know of all the earache I was causing at home.
I was in stiches. Little did they know they were going to get the best Christmas gift of all – me! I had a plan of turning up at the gaff on Christmas Eve like Santa himself! I had everything planned to the tee. One of the lads from the club was collecting me from the airport and my roommate in Toronto would post pictures online so everyone would believe I was still here rather than up in the air. I hadn’t known what Christmas gift to get Mam, kept racking my head trying to think of creative Christmas gifts, until I realised that I was the most unique gift they could ever get or want!
I stopped taking their calls so that I wouldn’t ruin the surprise, and kept saying work was busy. It was the perfect plan – except that I hadn’t accounted on an Irish Mammy’s ire! No way was her son missing Christmas dinner and not hearing of it! I received an Vift card in the post several days before I was set to fly and opened it to find Mam’s angry face staring up at me! Lad, she was right there! I half expected to get a clatter from the wooden spoon it seemed so real. All of my roommates thought it was wicked and said it was their best Secret Santa gift had come from my mother! They kept playing the video until I heard it in my sleep. Stop, I was 6,000 miles away and I couldn’t escape her! It drove me mental.
I turned up at home on Christmas Eve but, sure, no-one believed me that it was the plan all along. Mam thought her great gift had convinced me to come home and was all she could talk about throughout Christmas.